Safest Place In The Universe
by x-Kim0x
Summary: Set during the episode of Series 1 'Boom Town.' The Doctor does not find that Margaret the Slitheen is the mayor of Cardiff and the TARDIS crew try to find ways to pass the time. Jack causes trouble and suggestions are dismissed because of Jack's ways.


**A/N: Title comes from the line of the Doctor's in the episode Boom Town in which he stated that they were in Cardiff, the safest place in the universe. Please leave a review.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. **

**Safest Place In The Universe.**

"What's next?" Captain Jack Harkness enquired having downed the remainder of his pint and brandished the glass in the faces of his friends, before setting it down on the table ahead of him. The only indication that the glass had previously contained an alcoholic beverage came from the froth which littered its sides, as if clinging to life.

The Doctor glanced up from his newspaper and proceeded stare at his additional companion. He rolled his eyes, routinely folding the paper at the middle without looking down at it once. "I told you… lets go and explore," he told him, scraping his chair out from under the table and clambering to his feet. Holding a hand out for Rose as she circled the table to meet him, he shot an intense glare at Jack and mouthed "not you."

--

Rose blinked hurriedly, the light channelling into her eyes intensely as the four left the restaurant. Her hand was entwined in the Doctor's as her boots left the carpet and met with the concrete of the outside world. "How about the beach?" she suggested softly.

"Bit young, isn't it?" Mickey spoke up, trailing behind the remainder of the group. An expression of less than amusement; almost anger, jealousy, rage; blanketed his face as he picked up his pace in an attempt to reach Jack, who paced the path ahead, several metres behind Rose and the Doctor.

The Doctor rolled his eyes again; a gesture which recently, it seemed that he had reserved exclusively for Mickey. "Bit too much of an opportunity for Jack here to get done for exposing himself, you mean." He stated sternly, his eyes burning into Jack as he took the time to glance over to him.

Jack huffed and stopped abruptly in his tracks. Mickey succeeded in his quest to catch up as Jack did this, watching as the Doctor and Rose strolled off further ahead of them. "I do not expose myself!" He squealed in a shockingly womanly tone, protesting desperately against the label which appeared to have been carelessly forced onto him. It's like regarding all teenagers as chavs, he thought silently.

"You'll get done for harassing women instead then, that ok?" The Doctor questioned, throwing his head back in order to glare at the former time agent.

"Or men," Rose added, giggling uncontrollably as she skipped along, her hand still clasped securely in the Doctor's.

"Excuse me!"

Mickey stalled, turning to look Jack in the eye. "They're just trying to impress each other, mate," he reasoned wisely, tapping Jack's shoulder twice with his palm in understanding.

"You're excused," giggled Rose and the Doctor, who seemed to be in hysterics over a private conversation which had ensued between them.

--

"Captain Jack Harkness, and _who_ are _you_?" Jack repeated for around the twelfth time in that hour alone. Rather like those before her, the unfortunate female victim instinctively bundled up her towel messily, taking a part of the beach with her as she sprinted off; most probably scarred from a memory away from which she could never truly run.

The Doctor chuckled from his spot across the golden sands of the beach, patting a sandcastle which he and Rose had recently set about constructing. "Give it up!" He ordered, falling back onto the beach behind him.

Rose giggled, also lying down blissfully. "Should have brought some towels," she remarked to the Doctor as they sprawled out under the sun's glorious, picturesque, penetrative rays.

"Didn't know we'd be coming here," he told her honestly, reverting his eyes to stare over at Jack. He'd barely retreated, and seemed to be questioning his methods. "Time to jump on the other bus now, is it?" He called across the beach.

Mickey adopted a shocked expression, having positioned himself on one of the steps leading down onto the beach, which seemed to extend endlessly out in all other directions. His stomach churned as the scene before him continued to unfold.

Rose slapped the Doctor playfully, throwing her head backwards as she laughed uncontrollably. "The whole beach is going to put you down as a pervert!" She shrieked, an air of desperation about her words. "How long did you think it would take to refuel?"

"Twenty four hours," the Doctor admitted, Rose still led out next to him. She looked puzzled for a second, before the Doctor added, "Didn't expect to have nothing to deal with while we were here," he explained, taking Rose's hand in his again.

Shifting up the beach slightly, Rose pulled herself to a sitting position, from which her eyes roved the entirety of the beach. "You might not be disappointed," she told him, glaring at Jack.

"Can't take him anywhere!" The Doctor commented, something not dissimilar to contempt and extreme embarrassment lacing his words as he clambered to his feet, pulling Rose with him.

The Doctor and Rose jogged over the beach to Jack, Rose still clinging her socks due to the unavailability of sufficient time in which she could put her socks back on. "Sorry about this, officer," the Doctor voiced genuinely as the impending exchange came into their earshot.

"Jack here's a bit sexually frustrated," Rose stated, following the Doctor's lead. She grinned mischievously, before speaking up again. "We would have kept him on a lead, only that sign over there had a cross through a dog on a lead," she smirked, gesturing to a sign which stood sternly aside the steps upon which Mickey had been sitting.

"That's a good one!" The Doctor squealed, casting a glare of disapproval at his companion as the policeman's eyes darted to meet Jack's suggestive ones. "You'll have to excuse Rose," he told him, "she loves a joke; doesn't seem to know when it's appropriate," he explained apologetically.

--

"Cinema?" Rose suggested quietly as the group stepped off of the beach and brushed themselves down, innumerable grains of sand falling from their clothing and onto the floor.

The Doctor grinned, before turning to Rose with an intense gaze. "Probably couldn't trust our friend over there not to get done for trying to record a pirate copy," he explained, as Mickey returned from a bin he had approached in order to discard the newspaper he had taken from the restaurant the four had visited earlier.

Rose rolled her eyes in the direction of the Captain, before turning her attention completely to the Doctor once again. "Shopping?" she plugged, rapidly reaching the bottom of a list etched onto her brain. With a lack of experience of Cardiff, Rose knew of few activities which she could feasibly suggest the four undertake in order to pass the time; suggesting only those that commonly occurred within cities which housed a major population.

"Is there an Anne Summers branch in Cardiff?" The Doctor chuckled, while Mickey looked on, puzzled.

Originating from the fifty first century and having little experience of the twenty first, Jack also appeared to be at a loss as to the underlying meaning of the preceding question. "What's that got to do with anything?" He questioned seriously.

"Women's underwear, Jack." The Doctor told him squarely. He gave him a meaningful glance, which told him not to protest. It lasted for a prolonged period, at the end of which the Doctor added, "I don't think we want to chance you near that, given your earlier performance."

Jack pouted, and threw a look at the Doctor which was suggestive of the fact that he had found the Doctor's preceding words to be rather hurtful, insulting and careless, to an extent. "Are you sure you don't want to take me back to the TARDIS and handcuff me to the rail?!" He spat, genuinely meaning as a method of restraint.

The Doctor made a point of lurching in full view of Rose, who giggled at the gesture. "Don't get clever, Jack," the Doctor grumbled gravely, glancing back to Rose.

"What?!"

"Handcuffs; don't try telling me there wasn't a hidden meaning behind your carefully selected words there."

Jack exhaled quickly; deeply, urgently. His mouth dropped open in shock, as if attached to a spring which had malfunctioned. "I don't believe this!" He shrieked, quick to defend himself. "Ok, so I've appeared to be attracted to some men before now, and for some insane reason the result of that has been that I'm now unable to make an entirely innocent comment about a pair of handcuffs; I meant because you're so determined to stop me doing anything," he trailed off.

"Ye-"

Rose grumbled, having already sickened of the unnecessary tension which had towered between the two in order to form an indescribable barrier between them, obstructing their friendship. "Who's for the TARDIS, then?" she asked sweetly, smiling to all in her company; having resolved that very few activities were presented to them by Cardiff which all could actually partake in and enjoy.

"Count me out, I'm going to go and check out the bars round the corner," Mickey informed the group, his eyes meeting momentarily with Rose's. She shook her head to the side in order to break the uncomfortable glance which seemed to intensify outside of her control, and caught the Doctor turning toward the TARDIS, with Jack nodding carefully, gingerly and gently beside. "I've got a return ticket for the train, so I'll just go to the station from there; it's convenient enough," he evaluated, aware that the station was only around a mile from the bar lined street; it would be easy enough for him to walk the distance in question. "Bye," he uttered, nervously waving to Rose and spinning on his heel, prior to sensing that she was closing in on him.

Drawing ever closer to her former boyfriend, Rose became shaky, and she could not dismiss it as being caused by a chill in the air; a warm evening had fallen over the streets of Cardiff. "Bye," she muttered quietly, briefly hugging him, feeling obliged; she had dragged him here, after all.

--

"What do we do, then?" Rose wondered aloud as she allowed herself to fall carelessly onto one of the aged, yellowing and worn seats beside the TARDIS controls.

Jack sighed, slouching against the doors of the time machine. He was in no doubt that Rose and the Doctor could find plenty of inventive ways by which to pass the time, had he not been present. Shaking off these thoughts, he spoke up in order to submit a serious suggestion. "Anything interesting on television tonight? We could watch that."

"Cards?" Rose followed up the Captain's credible suggestion.

The Doctor glanced around his machine manically, before his eyes fixed on Jack's. "No strip poker inside my ship; I know how your mind functions, Harkness," he growled incredulously.

"One track mind," Rose said, nodding understandingly at the Doctor, and glaring disapprovingly towards their guest.

Rose made her way around the console quickly, completing a circuit of the circular column. She whispered something inaudible gently into the Doctor's ear, which Jack could not decipher. "Truth or dare?" She then asked, grinning devilishly.

'_Rosie wants a spot of bedroom action,' _the Captain allowed his mind to drift off, before he reclaimed control and voiced almost too eagerly, "That sounds like a plan."

"Truth or dare it is then,' the Doctor informed his attentive companions, placating himself in the captain's chair of the TARDIS.

--

"Jack, truth or dare," Rose beamed, pacing across the grating and positioning herself so that she and her accompanying travellers formed a small circle in a far corner of the time ship.

"Dare!" he decided with one blink; his voice projecting into all areas of the TARDIS.

Rose shuffled slightly closer to the Doctor, muffling her voice in her sleeve so that only the Doctor could make out her words. After around thirty seconds of what could only be described as a faint, continuous hissing, Rose glanced back to Jack. "Come with me," she commanded almost seductively, holding a hand out to him as she made her way towards the doors. Jack was more than happy to oblige, much to his peril.

"I dare you to go and give her a snog," Rose informed her fellow companion, gesturing towards an elderly lady whom could not have been more than five feet tall. She had on shoes which easily could have originated from a jumble sale and a rumpled beige coat. She stood alone, propped up against one of the many buildings in the distance, and had with her the stereotypical shopping cart of her generation.

"You must be joking!" Captain Jack Harkness wasted no time in loudly protesting, stamping his foot furiously against the grating of the TARDIS.

"Don't be damaging my ship, or I'll have some more of your memories off of you; that's after I've turned your life into an utter misery!"

"Rose," started the ex time agent, looking completely crestfallen. "She's old enough to be my Gran!" he pleaded, feigning sickness at the sight before them, beyond the doors of the time ship.

"Well," grinned Rose mischievously, talking in tones that neared flirtatious ones. "That may be so, Harkness, but you don't appear to mind the Doctor in that way; I'll be eternally paralytic if I find she's ten percent of his age!" Rose giggled, gently shoving the Captain out of the door.

"I'm not doing this!"

"Fine; I'm sure the Doctor has a very sharp bread knife tucked away in that kitchen; I'll just go and claim it," Rose grinned back, beaming, eliciting a subtle wink in his direction.

--

"That was disgusting! And I almost got a smack for my trouble before I legged it! I'm going to bed, before either of you devise any more little highly revolting schemes!" Jack Harkness yelled continuously, strolling furiously back into the TARDIS.

The Doctor and Rose began to giggle wildly as one of the bedroom doors slammed to a close in the Captain's wake. If the laughter of a being could ever accurately be portrayed as uncontrollable, this was it. "Well, that really lasted a long time," the Doctor reflected sarcastically in the company of his companion, as both climbed to their feet and subsequently threw themselves back against the TARDIS railing in fits of laughter.


End file.
